« January 2003 | Main | March 2003 »

Project Management

Back(40)burner. (noun) Definition: The stovetop burner where one places projects of such low priority that they almost doesn't exist. Binoculars are often required to reclaim information about them. Variations can be used, such as: "The talks with Coca-cola got put on the Back(40)'."

Posted by Aaron R. Deutsch on February 18, 2003 | Comments (0)

Earth 2.2.7

The aliens should have built a bigger ship.

I remember them decending on the cities. It was funny that everyone panicked because they were only here to pick up samples. You see, they were creating a miniature earth colony on one of their larger ships to study us.

They would pick up people of different trades, buildings, trees, and other useful things and place them in this large greenhouse-like section of the space vehicle.

The earth-town was okay - there was a subway, a few office buildings, a church, a bar, a swanky club, horses, some farmland -- a pretty good cross-sampling of what we have here.

Here is what they forgot: There are a lot of us here. Due to this large population and our teams of engineers with venture capital money we are able to create things like PowerBooks and the Segway.

Since the aliens only brought a few representatives and no venture capital from anywhere in the world the computers were not upgraded and the subway got rusty and rickety and it jerked back and forth between the loose rails. The tunnels got dusty like mining shafts. It was okay, though, while I was there.

Posted by Aaron R. Deutsch on February 17, 2003 | Comments (0)

Snowsign

Today is one of those days where it would be kind of fun to have hidden cameras on all of the crosswalk signs.

It would be even better if they had cameras AND had their 'walk' stencils replaced with icons of people falling on their butts. Then you could fall on your butt in the snow and look up at the hidden camera and laugh and give the 'thumbs up' sign if you were okay.

At the end of a day we'd have a big gallery of photos online of people falling down.

Posted by Aaron R. Deutsch on February 17, 2003 | Comments (0)

Sometimes you've just got to do it yourself

Let's not hold our breath and wait to see if The New York Post prints letters to the editor with viewpoints that clearly differ from their own. Instead, let us self-publish. Here is an example letter written in response to the offensive and skewed cover printed on February 14th in our fine city of New York:

Friday, valentines day, 2003

To the editor:

Being one who has spent considerable time in the publishing industry, I am all but too familiar with deadlines and apparently in the case of your staff, sleep depravation.

Surely you have already realized already that the dodgy Photoshop work on the Feb 14 cover is misguided, inappropriate, and very un-cupid like.

While I'm sure you'll agree that photo manipulation is fine in the context of a parody issue or article, it is interesting that your paper used this technique on a supposed 'news' article to make the heads of two of the more sensible representatives in our current world debate appear as if they were the heads of small carnivorous mammals that would ordinarily have short legs and elongated body.

Ok, I guess it's a little funny when you look at it that way, but it would be more accurate to place these blood-thirsty heads over the faces of OUR administration in this dialogue and to find a good image of a lemming head and place it roughly over the faces of the editorial staff at the 'Post, and over the faces of our poor, uninformed citizens who have been unnecessarily terrorized into supporting this military machine. Ah, the lemmings of war. Sounds like a love song.

But look at how quickly we get off track. I hope you all get a nice night's sleep soon.

Regards,
Aaron Deutsch
Brooklyn

Posted by Aaron R. Deutsch on February 16, 2003 | Comments (0)

Wrong word

I think the conservatives should start thinking about living up to their name and leave the girl living in the Redwood tree alone. And the monkeys. Let the monkeys live and keep their pretty little brains inside of their skulls. Put the spoons away. Have you no shame!?!

Posted by Aaron R. Deutsch on February 06, 2003 | Comments (0)

Fire at the beaver dam

I heard a completely unfounded rumor once that said Apple Computer conducts their OEM Hard Drive tests under a microphone to check the sound level. If they go over a certain number of decibels they are shipped back, regardless of whether they worked or not.

It may be true, it may not, but I will tell you that my upgrade to a larger Quantum Fireball HD also came with a team of rabid, crack-laiden beavers. They are relentless, but it's good to know that they are there, working hard.

Posted by Aaron R. Deutsch on February 04, 2003 | Comments (0)

Let's grow up a little. Together.

At what point in our own evolution as humans do we say, once and for all: "It is no longer cool to eat the brain out of a live monkey."?

Posted by Aaron R. Deutsch on February 04, 2003 | Comments (0)

Another 'anti-solo' from the band that isn't

:: Lead singer turns to keyboardist with that purple puma jacket and points frantically ::

"Jared!!! -- pull out that hamster cage!"

:: Jared pulls out hampster cage from under his table of electronics and sets it on a music stand while the band starts to discontinue playing. The hampster starts to run in it's little wheel. The sounds of 'eet eet eet' come from the ungreased axile. The crowd, incidentally, goes wild. ::

Posted by Aaron R. Deutsch on February 02, 2003 | Comments (0)