Duckstop

"Tear Here"

I think "easy open" is actually a means by which to:
(a) open everything around the thing you want to get at in the packaging and/or
(b) make the packaging a {product name} gun, firing the contents all across the room

People are outside, inside, inside-out, outside-in, out, in, EVERYWHERE!

Let's face it, we all hear voices in our heads and a lot of the time we just don't agree with them. The main thing that separates us from crazy people is that we don't argue with our voices out loud.

WWJD

Roll with the (sucker) punches.

Busted!

Sometimes surveillance reveals different things than intended

Urban living is more and more disposable

Crapmanship
Used to describe the overall poor quality of an item from design straight through to manufacturing and use.

Thanks to planned obsolescence and general crapmanship I have burned through two paper shredders in two years. That's bunk!

Not Whistling Dixie

An open letter to the only person whistling on the train yesterday:

Dear only person whistling on the train yesterday,

While I appreciate your (hopefully?) accidental sharing of your iPod track with a train full of otherwise silent commuters, I think you may need to bring it up a level if you're going to get us to dance. We are very tired and cramped and not really in the mood.

A good starting point might be to take whistling classes so that you can more accurately hit your notes. This part is crucial because without real notes we will not be able to recognize your song. Who knows, it might even be a favorite of ours! It would be ideal if you could hit *all* of the notes and not just some. There is no buzz kill like being half way into a whistling solo and hear a sour note.

You will also need to concentrate on your breathing. This will be very difficult but perhaps the didgeridoo would help. The circular breathing techniques would be great for whistling out those long guitar solos or whatever instrument you're trying to recreate.

I would also suggest some hand clapping. Address the audience. Say "come on now!" or "get up with me!". Encourage others to clap.

Lastly, you need to get these people's guard down. After years in New York they are all jaded and angry. You might introduce yourself right from the get-go so that they know that you are not a threat. Maybe something like:

"Hello everybody. My name is [insert name here] and I'm not homeless or looking for money, I just want us all to DANCE!" (then go into the clapping, followed by your now finely honed whistling)

Thanks.

If You're Going to Demolish Something, Demolish It With Confidence

It's tough to operate heavy machinery with crossed fingers.

Advice: 5c

Talk is a lot cheaper than it probably should be. Unless you're a lawyer.

Let the Joneses Learn From Their Own Mistakes

Don't worry about keeping up with those wily Joneses. They generally don't know what they're talking about.

Go (insert college team or snarky statement here)!

Two immutable laws of the universe:
1. Your favorite coffee mug will get broken
2. People will know it's your favorite mug by the glue

This Home Is My Home, It Isn't Your Home...

While sharing an exotic beach home or island with helicopter landing is good in theory, evidence seems to be mounting against the name "time share" in favor of "time fight"....

Made Up Makeup

There is a very fine line between being a doll and a clown.

Reading the sound of voices

Crazy times call for ... phones.

Girls, Girls, Girls

The funny thing about girls is: even hindsight isn't 20/20

Stories of Life on Earth

Pretty much every published and broadcast story is embellished a bit, or had unsavory or uninteresting details omitted. This is what makes a story. This can be your story, too.