Duckstop

Insincere Cigarettes

Instead of letting people blow smoke up your a**, why not just smoke it?

Follow Your Yellow Brick Road

The universe has a way of making sure that our desired path is NOT the one of least resistance. This is it's way of testing that we are REALLY sure we want what we see at the end. It is generally long, winding, littered with your fears and insecurities, and devoid of all shortcuts. It is also completely passable.

Ketchup by any other name...

Pickled ginger, soy and wasabi are merely training wheels for eating sushi; if it's good they are completely unnecessary.

Filling the Canon quota for the day

Sometimes when that wick is burning low and you need to hit *something* you just need to adjust your aim from the stars to the trees.

Black Hole Stomach

We eat to absorb and convert energy. On the grand scheme of things we don't eat a whole lot. We can't eat metal. We can't eat rock.

Black holes, on the other hand, are having a feast

Only You Can Prevent Computer Fires

Working in technology is kind of like being a forest ranger: you study species, give tours, and try to keep things from catching on fire.

Ask Doctor Computer

What is the best tool you can have when you work and experiment with computers? A second computer.

Oboe vs. Flute

Some of Dave Matthew's songs sound like organized street fights with classical instruments.

"Tear Here"

I think "easy open" is actually a means by which to:
(a) open everything around the thing you want to get at in the packaging and/or
(b) make the packaging a {product name} gun, firing the contents all across the room

People are outside, inside, inside-out, outside-in, out, in, EVERYWHERE!

Let's face it, we all hear voices in our heads and a lot of the time we just don't agree with them. The main thing that separates us from crazy people is that we don't argue with our voices out loud.

WWJD

Roll with the (sucker) punches.

Busted!

Sometimes surveillance reveals different things than intended

Urban living is more and more disposable

Crapmanship
Used to describe the overall poor quality of an item from design straight through to manufacturing and use.

Thanks to planned obsolescence and general crapmanship I have burned through two paper shredders in two years. That's bunk!

Not Whistling Dixie

An open letter to the only person whistling on the train yesterday:

Dear only person whistling on the train yesterday,

While I appreciate your (hopefully?) accidental sharing of your iPod track with a train full of otherwise silent commuters, I think you may need to bring it up a level if you're going to get us to dance. We are very tired and cramped and not really in the mood.

A good starting point might be to take whistling classes so that you can more accurately hit your notes. This part is crucial because without real notes we will not be able to recognize your song. Who knows, it might even be a favorite of ours! It would be ideal if you could hit *all* of the notes and not just some. There is no buzz kill like being half way into a whistling solo and hear a sour note.

You will also need to concentrate on your breathing. This will be very difficult but perhaps the didgeridoo would help. The circular breathing techniques would be great for whistling out those long guitar solos or whatever instrument you're trying to recreate.

I would also suggest some hand clapping. Address the audience. Say "come on now!" or "get up with me!". Encourage others to clap.

Lastly, you need to get these people's guard down. After years in New York they are all jaded and angry. You might introduce yourself right from the get-go so that they know that you are not a threat. Maybe something like:

"Hello everybody. My name is [insert name here] and I'm not homeless or looking for money, I just want us all to DANCE!" (then go into the clapping, followed by your now finely honed whistling)

Thanks.

If You're Going to Demolish Something, Demolish It With Confidence

It's tough to operate heavy machinery with crossed fingers.