Black holes, on the other hand, are having a feast

Thanks to planned obsolescence and general crapmanship I have burned through two paper shredders in two years. That's bunk!

Dear only person whistling on the train yesterday,

While I appreciate your (hopefully?) accidental sharing of your iPod track with a train full of otherwise silent commuters, I think you may need to bring it up a level if you're going to get us to dance. We are very tired and cramped and not really in the mood.

A good starting point might be to take whistling classes so that you can more accurately hit your notes. This part is crucial because without real notes we will not be able to recognize your song. Who knows, it might even be a favorite of ours! It would be ideal if you could hit *all* of the notes and not just some. There is no buzz kill like being half way into a whistling solo and hear a sour note.

You will also need to concentrate on your breathing. This will be very difficult but perhaps the didgeridoo would help. The circular breathing techniques would be great for whistling out those long guitar solos or whatever instrument you're trying to recreate.

I would also suggest some hand clapping. Address the audience. Say "come on now!" or "get up with me!". Encourage others to clap.

Lastly, you need to get these people's guard down. After years in New York they are all jaded and angry. You might introduce yourself right from the get-go so that they know that you are not a threat. Maybe something like:

"Hello everybody. My name is [insert name here] and I'm not homeless or looking for money, I just want us all to DANCE!" (then go into the clapping, followed by your now finely honed whistling)

Thanks.